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Five Sixteenths

The fabulous, maybe mundane, but always truthful bloggings of a five-sixteenths something-er-other.

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Location: Philly, Pennsylvania, United States

I am a 28-year-old work at home mom and full time student. I am a member of the Leech Lake band of the Minnesota Chippewa tribe.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Changes

I think I've come to the realization that life is changing dramatically and there is nothing I can do about it. I read somewhere that when your alcoholic parent dies, you are left standing in an empty room that echoes and there is just nothingness. You are alone and left with no direction, no one to coerce or argue with, no one to convince anything to anymore, especially not to go into treatment. You are left with emptiness because what was once your complete and utter goal in life - to get your parent to stop drinking - suddenly isn't a problem anymore and does not exist. The 'elephant in the living room' has exited and there is nothing more to hide or be ashamed of. This is how I feel.
The shock of my mom being gone hasn't hit me yet. At her funeral, I had to have 3 people help me up to the coffin and I just stood there, shaking, sobbing, crying out to her... I told everyone, "why did she do this? I tried to make her stop! I tried to get her to stop! Why did she do this to us? I don't understand! I don't understand!" It was the most devastating moment of my life. I felt like a failure. I felt like I had finally failed - I hadn't been able to do the one thing in life that I tried so desperately to succeed at since I was a child - to heal my alcoholic parent.

Anger flows through me and that was my first reaction. Why would someone be so selfish? Why isn't the alcohol industry regulated more? Why did my mom's boyfriend feel utterly irresponsible for her demise when he was the one who enabled her to do what she did? I'm still angry. Angry at myself for not spending more time with her. Angry at myself for not forcing involuntary treatment. And we are all angry for not seeing the eating disorders that needed desperate attention - we were all focused on the alcohol and paid no attention to the eating.

I have my own problems with eating. I binge eat. I haven't been able to admit it but it has been in the back of my mind. I eat until I am painfully full. I eat when I'm not hungry. I hoard and hide food. Why do I do this? What causes me to feel the need to stuff my face? Does it really ease the pain? Am I doing it to ease the pain? The pain of what? I know it's an addiction. Look at my family history. My mother and sister are both addicts with eating disorders. Obviously I'm not unscathed. Just because I don't drink or smoke, or do any drugs, doesn't mean I was left out of the mix - I am still genetically in there with them folks. So obviously it's the food - my only downfall - that is a huge problem for me. It's one I have to conquer.

I have so many unresolved issues with my mom. Questions I don't understand. Words left unsaid. I still can't believe she is gone and being 1000 miles away is the only thing that is keeping me sane right now.

Well that's it for now. It feels good to get it off my chest.

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