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Five Sixteenths

The fabulous, maybe mundane, but always truthful bloggings of a five-sixteenths something-er-other.

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Location: Philly, Pennsylvania, United States

I am a 28-year-old work at home mom and full time student. I am a member of the Leech Lake band of the Minnesota Chippewa tribe.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

So much I don't understand.

My mom died on Thanksgiving this year. I went back to Minneapolis to help with the funeral. My sister really didn't give me the opportunity to make any decisions or to help any but it was nice to see my family. I also chose a Thomas Kincaid garden set for her folders and guestbook, which was beautiful. The county basically paid to bury my mom is almost like a cardboard box and it was so depressing that my sister and I didn't have money to bury her. My aunt donated a plot and had a reception afterward.

My mom had cirrhosis, alcohol-induced hepatitis C, and kidney failure in the end. She was 44. What was really the precipitating factor, I later realized, was her anorexia and bulimia, that she fought for so many years. None of us really thought it was that serious but seeing that she could not and would not eat and then would drink alcohol on an empty stomach is really what tore up her liver and made her die prematurely. That is why her boyfriend of 22 years and her drinking buddy is still alive and she isn't. It made me really want to delve into understanding eating disorders, as I probably have a compulsive eating disorder of my own to deal with.

I know I need a lot of counseling now. I have to get it for myself and my mom. I have a lot on my plate. One of my aunts commented that I have too much responsibility and it's true. Work, school, a new stepchild, D's baby mama drama, an unhappy marriage, goals for myself that are slipping away, a toddler to take care of, being far from family, being the breadwinner... it's so hard to keep it all together. I also found out I didn't pass my second try at the NET exam to get into nursing school and have given up on that dream, which is incredibly heartbreaking for me.

A cousin who is a nurse mentioned ultrasound school, so I may try that. We'll see. Otherwise paralegal? Who knows.

I still have my weight to deal with but wonder if it's a good time to make huge decisions.

I spoke at my mom's funeral. It made me feel good to talk in front of everyone and everyone loved my speech. It gave me closure. I also got to put Amaya's picture in with my mom, which made me happy too. Not many people went up to see her. I don't think anyone wanted to see her. My grandma lost it when they closed the casket and when the pastor said the 'ashes to ashes, dust to dust' part during the burial service.

I have to look into life insurance on my sister and make sure I have it for Des and I and a living will. Things that you don't want to think about but need to. I am also going to look into involuntary commitment of my sister as well.

Ok, better run. needed to get this all out. I need a shower!

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