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Five Sixteenths

The fabulous, maybe mundane, but always truthful bloggings of a five-sixteenths something-er-other.

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Location: Philly, Pennsylvania, United States

I am a 28-year-old work at home mom and full time student. I am a member of the Leech Lake band of the Minnesota Chippewa tribe.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Not worthy?

Okay the title of this is misleading because I know for a fact that I am worthy of a good relationship. I used to have the confidence of a pissant but now it is higher and I guess I do owe that in part to my marriage. But marriage to me is supposed to be such a sacred fucking thing. Wow... who else says those two words together like that? Deep. Anyway... what could I do to make him happier? What am I not doing right? Is it me? Why does he always go after girls that look phenomenally disgusting just to make me feel 100 times worse because it's like he is rejecting me for a rank-ass looking female? I buy him shoes, clothes, movies, video games, whatever... I pay the bills, the rent, the car payment for a car he drives more than I do. He wants for nothing. I've never denied him any wish or fantasy. What more could a man want? We have deep conversations (or did for awhile then he got shady.) When he lost his job, I picked up the pieces, patted his back, and gave him the pep talk. I wrote his resume and cover letters. I put up with his mom calling me out my name and telling me how lousy I was at life. I put up with it. I moved to Philly when I didn't want to. I gave up everything I had to make him happy. Then he twists it and gets all selfish. I sat here and played devil's advocate in the situation with his son that just now came to light... a situation where we didn't even know it was his or existed.. I swore I'd leave. I didn't when the results came back that it was his. I stood by him. I tried to be a strong woman and be the rock and give him advice with no bias. When he wanted to sign over his rights, I was the one who discouraged it. I looked at the bright side. I told him he should have a relationship with the baby. It was me who did all that. Then he goes and does me like this? Starts talking to people online out of the blue that he don't even know, while all this drama is still churning, and decides to treat me like a doormat?

Why?
What could I have done to prevent it?
What are my options?
I am a good ass woman. I know that. I work hard to BE a good woman. I know it's hard to be in an interracial relationship and I bent over backward to make sure to carefully treat him right, to take care of his needs, because that's the way I do. But it's just bullshit. Pure and simple. I don't know if I can ever love again. Ever.